Wit and Wisdom
by Beth Broderick
“Oh, look at that!” the woman exclaimed as a small, square-shaped box on wheels parked itself in front of the restaurant where she was dining alfresco. Its name was Remi. There was a screen on top of it that read: “Remi is out on delivery.”
“It’s really kind of cute.” she added, catching sight of the two painted disks which are meant to look like eyeballs on the side of the contraption.
It also had a string of lights tracing its upper edges and some kind of antennae sticking out at an angle, like a mini flagpole with a triangular banner waving. There are a bunch of these boxes roaming the streets of many of our cities. The devices are used to deliver food and, I guess, any other thing a person would want delivered that could be made to fit inside it. They, of course, don’t have eyes and often get stuck trying to navigate a rough patch of sidewalk, but they have some kind of fancy satellite guiding them because they seem to know where they are going and when the traffic light is green.
The city of West Hollywood has reported a barrage of citizen complaints. For every person who sees something fun in them, there are a considerable number of folks who are not charmed. I am among the latter. Remi is not cute; Remi is a freaking box.
These things are a double D invention: Dopey and Disruptive. The first quality might seem harmless enough, but this product is completely void of purpose. No one needs this dopey device. It’s also disruptive, which is business parlance for an invention which disrupts markets, taking jobs from folks who need them. Like the folks who pull up to my building at all hours of the day and night delivering everything from Chicken McNuggets to a week’s worth of groceries. They earn salaries doing this and rely on the tips they get to make ends meet. They need the work.
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
STEER CLEAR OF THAT.
The other invention that we can get along perfectly well without is the damnable driverless car.
No. Just…. no.
The amount of energy that has been spent on this creation is mind-boggling. They have been at it for years, sending these completely unnecessary autos forth onto our streets, grabbing headlines.
“ELON MUSK ROLLS OUT DRIVERLESS CARS!
IS THIS THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE?”
This makes most of us clutch our heads in dismay. This invention is a triple D. Dopey, Disruptive and Dangerous. I am not much of a driver, never really cottoned to it and was thrilled to learn that I no longer do it to get around Los Angeles. But sometimes I need a vehicle and someone to operate it. The person picking me up and taking me to my destination needs the job of doing so. A most excellent arrangement.
There are so many things that we should/could be working on that would solve real problems. How about elevated bike lanes? A lot more of us would ride bicycles to get around if it was not so darned dangerous to do so. This would help ease traffic congestion, improve our air quality, and put exactly no one out of work. It would, in fact, create jobs for the people making us all safer on the road. Win win.
There are so many things that are broken and in need of repair in this great giant city. How about if we put our energies towards that? How about a robot box that cleans up our filthy,trash-ridden sidewalks?
How about if we let necessity be once again the mother of invention? A personal request: Can we maybe spend a little time and energy trying to invent a few more things to help around the house?
How about a little robot who could follow me around and assist me in doing the formerly easy, now tricky things in life? I could have used an invention like that yesterday. I was in the mood to fix things up, to work on a few projects that have languished on my to-do list for quite some time. I made my way down to the garage to set up some items that I have been meaning to spray-paint. I got everything laid out on a protective surface, and then could not open the can. I pried and pulled, using first the right hand and then the left. No dice. Grrrrr! I went back up three flights of stairs and grabbed a large screwdriver out of my meager tool kit. After about 5 full minutes of jabbing at the lid and cursing at my hands, the thing popped off.
Thank ye, Jaysus!
I went back down to the garage and shook the can, getting ready to beautify my things, then looked down to realize that I had absentmindedly replaced the lid, which was once again fixed in place. Immovable. GRRRRR!
I went back upstairs, and once again grabbed the screwdriver, which I had also put back in its place. Another round of cursing and stabbing at the wicked piece of plastic, and finally, I just broke it, tore it apart enough that it was no longer attachable. Genius. Now I will not have to worry about accidentally putting the top back on. I painted my bookends and a pretty basket and put my now forever bald-headed paint can back in the closet.
I then decided to measure a few things, and bent down to retrieve my toolbox once again. I got out the retractable-tape thingy and wrote down the dimensions of the filters that need replacing and the balcony railing which could use some window boxes. Yay. Happy. My day was back on track! And then I could not get the tape back in.There is a button one can push which whirls the thing back into its container and I could not for the life of me push it hard enough. It wouldn’t budge, which also meant I could not put it back in the kit.
It is laying on its side, extended to the 20-inch mark, waiting for someone with usable mitts to come by and push the button.
Let’s invent a gizmo that can push my buttons and open my cans and jars. I picture a little Teddy-bearish-looking thing that would be by my side turning doorknobs and such. Maybe it could be taught to keep track of where I put the damned phone. What if it could find my keys, help with that tricky necklace clasp, and sound an alarm every time I am about to bump into an inanimate object? That would be peachy!
A FINE HOW DO YOU DO.
The other day I was walking down Robertson Boulevard when my shoe caught on a jagged piece of sidewalk and i slammed ass over teacup onto the cement. Upon sensing, this my Apple watch began blinking and started to call emergency services.
“No, no, I am fine!” I yelled into my wrist. “I am okay.”
“You fell,” It replied. Then it started once again to dial for help. I sat on the sidewalk, talking to my arm, looking, I am sure, ridiculous.
“I am fine!” I yelled. “The year is 2023. Joe Biden is the president. Don’t call anyone!”
The watch finally relented and let me get up and on with my walk. It was a bit of a hassle to deal with it, but I gotta say that is one hell of an invention. Could be a lifesaver for lots of folks. A friend of mine told me that the watch alerted his dad that he had A-Fib. How about that? Now if it could just shoot some kinda signal into my hands that made them just a tetch more usable? Pretty please?
Come on, Apple! I’ll put the house that Steve Jobs built over the car company from that wacky Canadian guy any day. The watch y’all made is amazing. It actually did find my phone last Sunday and told us how old Rob Lowe is when Jeff and I were wondering. You guys are rocking it.
Now if it could just locate my extra set of keys…
On we go …
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Oh my i started to feel my heart race reading the spray paint and tape measure. You are not alone Beth. My back door off the kitchen swells with Colorado dry heat and I could not open the back door. I finally grabbed. flat scre driver and shimmied it between frame and door.
Agree more tech for human condition needs. How about night driving assistance.
I do love the power of spray paint. I have dozen of spray paint projects on my blog ! It’s very forgiving like icing on a cake! Happy Thanksgiving! laura
thanks for sharing!
Although I find many non-sentient objects fun and sometimes “aww” worthy, including the two surgical robots and x ray we named because something has to get us through the day. I reserve that to the roombas as well since they are helpful butjust as useless sometimes and get stuck on “cliffs aka floor dividers like helpless animals. Our hospital used to have a robot that would deliever stuff from the pharmacy to the floors but I think suffered similar issues of randomly getting stuck. The idea of self driving anything gives me weird dystopian Ray Bradbury “the pedestrian” vibes so no thank you. All I want is working across walks, actual bike and running lanes so I don’t get nearly hit by cars every time I run but no, my town said “let’s install 20 more Tesla chargers”
Glad you are ok after taking a tumble! Apple Watch has saved so many of patients who have come in suddenly in A-Fib I also experienced the fall alert when I fell in the operating room and broke my wrist, it too called 911 and we all were like “she’s already in a hospital. It’s all good”
Hope your projects continue to go well and that your Apple Watch doesn’t think you’ve fallen every time you accidentally tap your wrist on something (sometimes they become extra sensitive after an actual fall )