Wit and Wisdom
by Beth Broderick
I failed to read the directions. Just didn’t bother. The label seemed straightforward enough: “Color Extend Blondage.” It is supposed to tame any of the dreaded brassy notes a gal’s hair may pick up in the sunshine or under a hot dryer. It’s not dye; it is just a simple mask. The way I make a living is not entirely based on looks. One has to have talent, “chops” as it were, but the right look is also a crucial component to success in the film and TV game.
There are a lot of masks involved in the care and feeding of a guy or gal’s “look”. Face masks, hair masks, foot and hand masks. The overnight variety which promises expert results in the morning and the “works in minutes” type which guarantees instant improvement. There are “peel offs” and the type that you wipe or rinse away, and there are even some that you leave on, just leave on and hope for the best.
I have been slathering these “miracle potions” on for years. I don’t know if they work. I am inclined to speak more highly of diet, exercise, and strict avoidance of the sun, but maybe it’s the goo that has kept me going for nearly forty years in the biz of show.
I gave this new one a whirl. I took a big mittful of the purple solution and worked it into my hair. I added a bit of Cellophane product called “Ice”, threw on a heat cap and did some work at my desk for twenty minutes. After a vigorous shower, I dried off with one towel and wrapped my head in another. Then the endless–and I am so bored of it all, but it has to be done–application of body lotion, face toner and cream, deodorant and a spritz of perfume, and I unwrapped my hair, hoping to find a nice platinum silver result.
Um. Oops. Whoops. Rut Roh. My scalp had turned a deep shade of purple. The hair was white/ blonde but an inch of it near the base line was deeply colored in a royal hue. Dang it! I grabbed the tube and read the directions:
“Wearing suitable gloves, apply the mask to hair avoiding the scalp area.” See, now, if I had read them beforehand, the “suitable gloves” part would have tipped me off that this is some extra-strength stuff. But no…. I just whacked it onto my head and then added heat to make sure it penetrated as deeply as possible. Idiot. Just ridiculous.
I was getting ready to tape an audition, and the role was definitely not one which could support a flaming punk color palette on my head. I was not about to repeat the whole lotion, toner, blah blah blah routine, so I ran to the sink and shampooed several more times. The stubborn color did not budge. Double dang it!
I had to get on with it. So, I got ready and raced over to record the scenes with Jane. She is a true pro and a Godsend; it took me a while to find her, and I am ever grateful to have done so.
“Wow!” she said, pointing to my head.
“That noticeable?”
Jane nodded yes, and I told her the whole story of my morning mishap. We decided to try to do the scene without tilting my head forward, hoping that would somehow make my ridiculous scalp situation less detectable. We plowed through, and upon review, my roots were even more visible on camera. We sent it to the agents anyway, because I said I would do it and I always do what I say I am going to do.
The subject line of the email to my team was “Purple Problem.” I once again had to tell the tale of my ablution antics. I wrote that I did not think they should send it in, but it was their call.
“I love your work. I am just going to send it in and explain the situation.” My agent Amy replied.
Well, okay, I thought, at least I read well. I knew I would absolutely not be cast in the role, because one can try to assure the producers that the violet tresses are temporary, but this is a visual medium, and they can only go by what they see, and I looked weird. Lots of other folks have told me how much they like it, and I have made note of that, as maybe one day when I am a free old gal no longer engaged in acting and modeling I may just go for a royal crown. Might be fun later. Or maybe a green shade to match my eyes? Why not?
This morning, I got the brilliant idea to make a poultice of baking soda mixed with a tiny bit of water and pasted it onto my head. Then I massaged some conditioner into the ends and threw on my heated cap. I am a firm believer in the wonders of baking soda
Most of us know that baking soda helps to make baked goods rise and that it can also absorb odors in your refrigerator. But did you know that if you add it to water and bring it to a boil, it will help to release stuck-on grease and debris from your favorite sauté pan? Added to a marinade, it will also tenderize meat or chicken. It is also an essential component in the making of a perfect boiled egg. (See recipe below.) The stuff is amazing
After I let it sit on my head for about twenty minutes, I jumped into the shower and gave my hair a good double wash, and ya know … it’s not altogether gone, but it has faded to a mild pink. Progress. I love me some baking soda.
THROUGH THE PURPLE HAZE.
A little less than a month ago, as the fires raged across this city, I packed up the dog’s food, the medicines that both of us take, and my passport. Then I drove to the corner and filled up my car with gas and headed back to wait through the long night as all of my neighbors evacuated my building. Many of my friends left homes that they still cannot return to, and still others, ones that are lost forever.
I was truly lucky—all of us whose homes survived were—and we know it and we are grateful, but the signs of stress are everywhere. Since that time, I have tripped and fallen twice while walking the dog, lost in thought. I have burned my face with a curling iron more than once. I have dropped countless items, broken one vase and lost the set of keys to my car, home and mailboxes and bollixed the simple application of a hair product.
Another friend is hobbling on crutches, coping with a severe case of gout. Baffling, because Anthony is a beautiful and fit young man who eats a perfect vegetarian diet with only the occasional addition of seafood. The doctor told him that stress will cause it too. He evacuated the first home he has ever owned and sat through that torturous night as well.
Still others are catching colds and coping with colitis and many other ailments. It has been a stressful time. Californians are strong and resilient, but we are also human—a fact you cannot miss when we come limping toward you, or tripping into the room with crimson hair, or begging for help to find a phone, or some keys, or whatever else has slipped from our grasp in the wake of a traumatic time.
Given our current political climate, many of us are going to have to develop better ways of managing our stress because it’s dangerous to our health and prevents us from fully participating in life.
So, deep breaths all around … as many as it takes to get us grounded and keep us sane, sanguine, and, when the time comes, ready for a fight. Ready for all of the fights that being alive requires us to engage in. Especially in these most “interesting times.”
Meanwhile … my technique for a perfect boiled egg:
Perfect Easy-Peel Boiled Eggs
Place 4 eggs on the counter and allow them to come to room temperature. (about ten minutes)
Bring a pot of water large enough to accommodate all four without touching to a boil.
Add a teaspoon of baking soda to the water. (It will bubble up but not for long)
Gently lower the eggs into water one at a time and reduce to medium heat for a steady, gentle boil.
Set timer for ten minutes.
When timer rings, pour off boiling water and add cool to the pot leaving eggs inside. Add one cup of ice cubes to pot and allow eggs to fully cool.
Gently tap eggs against counter surface and peel, dipping them into cool water if needed to loosen shells.
If not using right away, dry eggs completely and store in the refrigerator in an airtight container.
On we go …
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