Why God? Why have people been told to put ice-cubes in their orchid plants as a smart-watering technique? Who arrived at this dubious conclusion and then disseminated it as gospel? We may never know, but this much I can say:
I am going to need you to stop doing that! On behalf of orchids everywhere I beg you to desist.
Orchids grow in tropical climates.
Okay except for the kind that don’t. There is, in fact, a variety that can grow on forest floors winding their way up through the peaty bog, bringing color and interest to the base of great, gorgeous, towering trees. These are soil-loving orchids. There are 56 varieties growing wild in the not-at-all-tropical state of Maine.
Forest orchids are indeed a thing, but they’re not thrown into a pot and marketed at your local Trader Joe’s. They can’t be delivered by 1-800-Flowers, so it’s the last we will speak of them. I would, however, love to stroll through the woods one-day and stumble upon such a thing. Trip to New England anyone?
The leading exporter of orchids, the kind I AM talking about, the kind someone gave you for your birthday once, is Thailand. The global market garners over 5,000 million in US dollars annually. South America, Costa Rica, Hawaii--all of these have profound floral industries as well.
There might be some in your Mai Tai, Pina Colada or Pisco Sour, but otherwise, there is no ice in Hawaii or Tahiti or Thailand. These are places we go to avoid the cold. It simply does not occur in those environments. No great white blizzards or sleety rain. The local hardware store in Oahu does not stock anti-skid gravel and snowshoes. There is no danger of icicles dangling from one’s lanai.
Unless or until we enter another Ice Age, which not a one of us will be alive to witness, there is no naturally occurring icy weather in the tropics. It is warm there. Even the rain is warm. Because….tropics.
I’ve had some of my orchids for over ten years. They are like old pals. We talk. I caress their leaves and compliment them when buds appear.
“Look at you! Getting ready to put on another show! Aren’t you beautiful?!”
Orchids like me … they really really like me. You? … Not so much.
“Mine always die. I can never get them to re-bloom. I’ve tried everything,” she said.
“I gave them the cube once a week like I was supposed to. They still died,” he said.
If you are one of the many, many people who have said this (and we both know you are) I must tell you that orchids do not find this charming. They do not like you one teensy weensy bit. Orchids think you suck.
They are not trying to be difficult. They want a better relationship with you, but it’s time for counseling. Here is what orchids would like you to know.
They need the following three things if you want them to stay in your life.
LIGHT. Preferably slightly filtered or indirect sunlight. Too hot and they will wilt. Too dark and they cannot thrive. If your window gets copious amounts of direct sunlight, you can still keep them alive but you will need to circulate the air in the room and water more frequently, though never more than once a week.
WATER. Every ten days. Preferably lukewarm water. They should be watered thoroughly on both sides beneath their leaves. Do not water their leaves, only the bark below. Make sure they drain completely before returning them to their lovely light spot in your home.
FOOD. Orchids need food. There are many types available. I prefer the brand “ Orchid Love” though it comes in a bottle large enough to feed a shipment from Thailand. This needs to be mixed with water and sprayed on the leaves. It stinks. You will not cotton to the odor but, once it dries, the smell subsides. Don’t be a weenie, love is never easy--so just suck it up and feed your flowers.
In short, orchids need what pretty much every other living organism needs: light, water, and food. These are three things that we all need to thrive, (well in my case also Chardonnay.) You must be prepared to provide them to your plants if you want to be smiled upon by the Blooming Gods.
I love me some ice. It is delightful in its proper place. I think I may drop a few cubes into a Pisco Sour tonight. I will sip it while gazing at my beautiful, warmly watered, oft-blooming orchid pals. We’ve been together a long time and we’ve got it good.
On we go …
It was a long and arduous day today. This was exactly the medicine I needed. Please don't ever stop writing.
You seem to have done a lot of research caring for the things that mean a lot to you. That is awesome! Very beautiful Orchids. Love the blog and the literary devices you use are the perfect blend of light hearted humor and seriousness to get your point across.
Reminds mea funny story from my childhood. I would go to my grandmas house, and one time she gave me some ice cubes to put in her indoor plant, I would do this every time I came over. I can not even remember how long this went on until my mom asked me what I was doing and had to go to her mom and remind her that it was a fake plant! Water was at the bottom of the pot when we picked it up. I always smile and think of her when I see a potted fake indoor plant.